“I want to be in the lifestyle, but my wife be trippin whenever I bring it up! What can I do?” Every now and again we get an email from a guy requesting advice on how to get their partners excited about the lifestyle.
Like couples on other podcasts, the Belle and I talk about some pretty epic, fun and sexy experiences. And there are a lot of people that want to be part of that. But many guys are coming to the predictable realization that their partners are not having it.
So, I put together a few guiding principles to keep in mind for those who are trying to get their ladies in the lifestyle. I know that some women want to be part of this thing and might be wanting to convince their man to take the plunge. But this post does not apply to them.
Not all relationships are ready to explore, find out if yours is
Before even thinking about getting you and your partner into this world of fuckery, check your relationship. First, make sure your relationship is secure. Has either of you ever invested in a drone to film your partner’s daily activities from above? Has either of you taped the other phone to spy on their conversations?
If you answered yes to any of these things, ya’ll not ready for this yet. We believe that couples in the lifestyle have to trust each other. If ya’ll don’t, we don’t think ya’ll not ready.
Second, you and your partner should have a healthy communication style. If either of you feels like you need to wear a bulletproof vest before an argument, ya’ll need to fix that. Building a relationship where both of you can express and understand each other is critical in and beyond the lifestyle.
You should both be confident in yourselves. Insecurity is a feeling that will pop up from time to time throughout our lives. And it will flare up in the lifestyle as you witness people that are more better looking, stronger, and more experienced than you.
Think your partner will leave you because your pecks aren’t as hard as Hector’s? Is she worried that you will leave her for the random new curvy ass Brazilian secretary that is temping at your office? Then LS might not be the thing for ya’ll right now.
For more on this check out our episode on lifestyle ready signs.
Do not make an attempt to coerce, or convince your Queen to be in the lifestyle!
Do not treat the discussion about the lifestyle as a sales pitch. It is preferable to have her curiosity and own interest drive her decision so that she would be more invested in putting more time and effort into making it a good experience.
Your partner is probably going to assume you just want to fuck other chicks…and she is probably right. She may see your “desire to swing“ as equal to your “desire to cheat.” She may be dead wrong, but this ain’t about wrong or right. It’s about how she feels about your efforts to talk.her into this thing. So, avoid doing it in the first place. It might be best to expose her to information, not control how she feels about it.
Make certain that you explore her before exploring how she feels about the lifestyle
Some women may not be willing to do or mention the nasty shit they want in the bedroom until they really trust a dude, or feel safe enough and confident enough around him to not give a fuck about any judgments he might have.
Women can seem complicated to us. And who can blame them, with all the slut-shaming that both men and women are quite guilty of doing? How many times do we refer to women as HOES or THOTS when we know them to sleep around? How many times have you used the dated statement of wanting a woman that is a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets”? You can see how this can be downright confusing to a chick about what you will or will not accept about her.
You also need to be honest with yourself about how ready you are to hear the raw truth about her desires. Are you ready to hear about how she wants to be fucked by two men at the same time? Are you ready to hear how much she wants to do a gangbang? What about that rape fantasy she had after watching the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy?
Afraid to talk about what some of her ex-bed mates have done that she liked? Is that jealousy rearing its head? Don’t worry that is natural. It’s just a sign that YOU MIGHT NOT BE READY FOR THIS SHIT!
But for the rest of you manly lads out there, you might want to watch porn together to get her comfortable sharing what she likes, is curious about, or wants to avoid at all costs. Ask questions, listen to her, validate her, and show her that what she likes is important to you.
Invest time into exposing each other to information on Sex-positivity
There is a tone of educational and entertaining sex-positive material out there that you can both have fun exploring.
If you all find yourselves on a long drive, try listening to sex-positive podcasts. Some are specifically about swinging that you can check out to see if they work for her. Besides BnB, you can try the Livin the Suite Life, or the We Gotta Thing podcast.
But if you are looking for more audio porn type swinger podcasts, you might want to check out That Couple Next Door or Bedroom Bliss. But be forewarned, you will likely get really horny upon listening. I-I mean, my friends have been known to rub a few out to their episodes.
Some podcasts focus specifically on reclaiming the sexuality of women such as Inner Hoe Uprising, The Spread, The Pussy Party Podcast and Whoreable Decisions. Not only are these podcasts entertaining, but they can help make open and honest discussion about sex easier for both of you.
You might even hear about something sparks curiosity in a sexual experience that has little to do with swinging at all.
Start exploring at HER pace
There are all kinds of places you can take her to make sexual exploration a regular thing for you both. Ya’ll can start by going to events and venues that feature exotic dancers/entertainers.
You can go to your local strip club. I will let you be the judge of whether your girl is ready for ratchet vs classy gentlemen’s club (ya’ll know there is a spectrum). Burlesque dancing is also a classy form of adult entertainment ya’ll might enjoy.
If you are ready, you can hit up a local lifestyle club. You want to clarify each other’s expectations for that kind of outing. Clarify whether you are going to talk to other people, play with each other or watch what visual delights the playrooms have to offer.
After that, you may both end up considering trying other things out. But make sure that you all know what you are getting into and keep your expectations in check. Talk at length after you leave these experiences of what you liked, what you didn’t like, and what you might want to try in the future.
In F*cking Sum
So here we are at the last of this long ass post. Since, a lot of dudes I know have wickedly short attention spans, here is a billeted sum up of my points.
- Know your relationship
- Don’t try to convince her
- Explore her
- Expose her to information
- Explore at her pace
Notice that none of the above hint at success in getting your partner to be a lifestyler. Because to be honest, there is a possibility that it might not be right for your relationship.
Some women are just not going to be interested in exploring at all. Others may not want the lifestyle and engage you in a conversation about polyamory. Who knows where things can go?
But knowing what your woman wants puts you in a powerful position to make the right move for you and your relationship.
If you are interested in more thoughts on this topic. Check out our discussion here
Let us know what your struggles are if they were not covered using the comment box below.