Real talk for the fellas out there. Consider the following scenario: You have an attractive woman in the playroom with you now. All the drinks, dancing, talking, flirting, touching, and kissing has led to this moment. Y’all kissing, you getting aroused, you feeling on her round booty while she is stroking your jump-off. She starts getting undressed. You start by going down on her and working your magic. Her moaning is telling you you are doing your thing. So far so good.
But, once you get up to give her the business something odd happens. Perhaps it is a call on your phone, an odd look she gives your penis when you pull your pants down, a noise from the next bed, a chick that is moaning much louder than the one you are messing with bringing with it a thought of insecurity. What it is, does not matter, but whatever it is, it has taken you out of the moment.
Your erection goes from 100 to 80%. “Oh no” wait a minute, no you can’t go soft right now, *down to 75%*. She asks you if there is anything wrong. You lie and say no. *Down to 70%*. “Holy fuck” it is going down and down quick. You try to get yourself together, but the thought of failing has now implanted itself in your brain and is multiplying. “Nooo not now!” *Down to 65%*. Now the familiar feeling of panic has gripped you and you can feel beads of sweat forming on your head.
You struggle to find a condom quickly, because you know if you don’t get it on now, you are screwed. *60%*. Where the hell did you put your play bag. Oh there it is. You are now having difficulty opening the wrapper. Dam, why did this chick have to cream on your fingers so much. Oh snap she is totally ready for you and waiting. OMG! She is waiting, she is waiting for that dick and you are failing. Your hands shake as you try to get the condom on. Fuck! You are now at 55%. You can do it though, the condom reluctantly slides on like it knows it did not sign up for this bullsh*t.
You open those legs to give it to her. If you can only get it in and get your rhythm going, everything will be alright. But you try to push it in, it goes in for a little while, she moans. Man she must be faking it, this is not me right now. *50%* . It bends and slips out. Now she knows. *45%*. She backs up and gets you on your back. She is frustrated. No, she is going to give you head. That’s good. She takes the condom off to give you head. You are trying to enjoy it, but you just can’t shake the feeling that it is a pitty blow job. A blow job that is necessary but not wanted. Now, even as it is in her mouth you are falling and rapidly approaching 30%…20….10.
Now there is no controlling it. Despite the intensity in which her head is bobbing up and down on your dick, you are not responding. Now there is no denying it. The lips are among the most sensitive parts of the body and your dick is ratting on you like it got caught up with the feds. It is saying to her that you failed, you are a loser, you blew it…
The lifestyle has shown me that being able to maintain an erection is a struggle that many men face. Especially when 1) they are in environments where they may be watched and are plagued by the pressures to perform like porn stars in front of an adoring crowd, 2) they might have one shot to impress a new partner with their sexual prowess and 3) they often have to put on a condom which, although necessary, can be Kryptonite to your average stiffy. Erectile dysfunction is a real problem among many men, and often it can have some reasonably clear physiological causes.
But this post is not for those men. I am speaking to all the men out there that got an unwelcome visit from the flaccid fairy during those critical moments in the bedroom. This post is for those who don’t know what to do when, out of nowhere, IT GOES SOFT.
The internet is full of advice about what to do about ED, and honestly, none of it was helpful for me. You hear the same old tale of eating right, exercising, losing weight, reducing your alcohol intake blah blah mothaf*cking blah. I know plenty of men that are very much in shape, have not touched a drug in their lives, and they are still not immune to occasional break out of limpdicktitis. Not to say that these health habits are not important, but they are not the answer to everything.
So I decided to close the gap and provide an honest set of tips and guidelines on how to deal with deadbeat erections with a habit of abandoning us when we need them most.
1. Your flaccid Johnson is not the enemy, erectile anxiety is, and it must be killed on sight.
You must consider it as something outside of yourself and it must be discarded, marched into the woods, shot and buried 6 feet deep. Then you have to find it’s family and friends and make an example out of them too! If you see it creeping up, your primary objective is to fight it back, trying to get hard is secondary and cannot happen in the presence of your enemy. Arousal and worrying about whether you will get hard tonight, can rarely exist in the same space.
2. Recognize that Hard d*ck dependency can be another form of sexual dysfunction.
Do not chase after a hard dick and neglect your flaccid one. Both are important and are deserving of appreciation and attention. If it’s not hard, pull other tricks out of your bag and focus on those. Through that focus, arousal is more likely to come naturally. Eat, finger, touch, caress, lick, massage and allow tension to build. Somebody got excited reading that one ;). You will find that many of the sexiest experiences you can have does not always require you to “stick it in.
3. When your body says “no” it means “NO!”
You can rarely force an erection so stop trying. It is like committing a sexual assault on yourself. Think about the last time you wacked it. *Likely within the last hour if you are a man reading this right now.* When you are sitting down and watching porn, count how many times you had to think yourself into getting hard. Arousal usually does not take a lot of thinking, although it can benefit from a bit of imagination.
4. Get comfortable with the situation and confident in your sexuality.
This might be difficult when going soft at first, but there are things you can do to practice. Try meditating 5-10 minutes a day. Search for apps on mediation and there are also YouTube videos that provide some good guiding tips. These may help you build a habit of appreciating the NOW and being PRESENT. It also helps avoid negative thoughts (including those about your missing erection) from distracting you from the buffet of sexiness that might be before you. It may *and prepare yourself for this one* allow you to fully accept and embrace the possibility that, you may not be engaging in full penetrative sex at the moment. Might not be ideal, but it is better than walking with your head down, ruminating on your failures as the mandingo super fly sexual beast you were born to be, and annoying your partner with excuses and excessive claims about how “this usually doesn’t happen.
5. Magic pills can be effective but dangerous, so do your research.
There are plenty of supplements and drugs on the market that can give you the edge to turn your hank into a Hulk with plenty of stamina behind him. However, there are a few things to know about these methods. Supplements may not be FDA approved and may carry some health risks. But they can be very effective at making it easy to get stiffer and long-lasting erections and can remain active in your system for a few days. Some of the more popular brands include Rhino’s, Horny goat weed, and Extenze. You can purchase these online or at just about any gas station. Drugs like Viagra and Cialis have also been effective for men suffering from ED. Cialis has been rated better than Viagra, as it may last longer and give you more control over your erection. Don’t even think about taking any of this stuff without consulting with a medical professional! You need to be alive to get it in, so be careful out there.